Yesterday, I was having some trouble writing. I really couldn't find my groove, and what I was producing disappointed my perfectionist sensibilities. And then I saw a tweet from one of the many artists I follow.
This gentleman works for @Midnight, that Chris Hardwick joint you hear about on Pandora. He remarked that that there was a new musical coming to Broadway based on King Kong, and "I predict a very short run for the King Kong musical if they don't rhyme "monkey" with "funky" at least seven times."
I replied that Lin Manuel Miranda, the genius behind Hamilton, could clearly knock something like that out of the park. Then, to be fun, I wrote the first few lines of that supposed mash-up. It was just the opening to "Alexander Hamilton" done with Kong in mind.
The artist replied he wished it was a full song, so I made a barter. I would write the entire song if he drew up Alexander Hamilkong, a bizarre mashup of the two titans. He agreed, and this is what happened next.
Enjoy.
ALEXANDER HAMILKONG
From the Broadway Musical “King Kong”
Based on the Peter Jackson Film “King Kong” (2005)
(Lights up on Carl Denham and the full Company)
CARL DENHAM:
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a king and a
primate, ripped from the middle of a forsaken
island on the edge of Polynesia, where survival comes with killings
Grow up to climb the Empire State Building?
PRESTON:
The ten-story ambulatory Monkey-slash-quarry
Was a the white whale, so Carl Denham set sail he
Tricked a crew with tall tales he
Had no plan if he failed but
One dark night, they landed upon the shore of an island.
BAXTER:
And every day while sailors were being slaughtered and carted
Off by abominations, he blustered and stayed on mission
Despite the warnings that Jack, Ann, Preston were dishin’
Ol’ Carl was ready to sacrifice all for his vision
ENGLEHORN:
Then a native group came and, covered by the rain
Boarded the wrecked boat to snatch up a lonely lamb
Bounded back to Skull Island, leaving Jack Driscoll in pain
We formed a plan, armed ourselves and went to rescue Ann
DENHAM:
Well the word got around, I said “it’s finally time, bring
Every roll of film you got, the tripod, and a light, see
Get your camera, Preston, don’t forget a steady aim
The world’s gonna know his name! What’s your name, king?"
ALEXANDER HAMILKONG:
ALEXANDER HAMILKONG
My name is ALEXANDER HAMILKONG
And I will be your king, but not for long
So just you wait, just you wait
ANN DARROW:
Back in New York I was a joke, flat broke, five years of playing’
Vaudeville for just ghosts, morose, then Carl came with a plan
A chubby mad man
But hot damn
COMPANY:
Now Ann is bound, captured, waiting for the King’s hand.
ENGELHORN and (COMPANY):
Came out of the jungle, the jungle looked like grass at his thighs
A monstrous ape of enormous size, fire in his eyes
A roar like a hurricane shaking Ann on her post
She started pleaded and screaming and praying, thinking she was toast
DENHAM and (COMPANY):
I’m tellin’ you, nothin’ we could do
Against that mighty beast
We woulda been just a tiny feast
Without a scratch to keep our peace
We started hunting, fronting through the threats we discovered
Tradin’ sailors blood for every inch of ground we covered
(Scannin’) for every clue about Darrow’s welfare
(Plannin’) for the rescue, and revenge, see us now
Bringing down mighty Kong with an ether bomb blitz
In New York you will be a big hit
COMPANY and (HAMILTON):
In New York you will be a big hit (Just you wait)
In New York you will be a big hit (Just you wait)
In New York you will be a big hit
WOMEN:
In New York
MEN:
New York
HAMILKONG:
Just you wait
COMPANY and (COMPANY):
ALEXANDER HAMILKONG (ALEXANDER HAMILKONG)
Eight wonder of the world, it’s true (wonder what we’ll see you do)
You’ll never keep Ann
You never should have learned to climb
Oh, ALEXANDER HAMILKONG (ALEXANDER HAMILKONG)
Now Denham gets rich by you
Will they know that you never ceased?
It was beauty that killed the beast!
The world will never be the same, oh
DENHAM and (COMPANY):
The ship is in the harbor now, see if you can spot him
(Just you wait)
Another immigrant comin’ up from the bottom
(Just you wait)
His love of Ann destroyed his mind, and then the Air Force shot him
ENGLEHORN and COMPANY:
We fought with him
PRESTON:
Me? I died for him
DRISCOLL:
Me? I trusted him
ANN:
Me? I loved him
DENHAM:
And me? I’m the damn fool that caught him
COMPANY:
I’m a million tons of monkey fun
But just you wait
DENHAM:
What’s your name, king?
HAMILTON & COMPANY:
ALEXANDER HAMILKONG!